Cancel Culture Club #8: In The Summertime

Welcome back to the feature where distinguished members of the blogosphere decide whether certain dodgy-opinion-voicing records of the past deserve to be cast into Room 101 (or sent into exile, which as I'm sure you'll know, if you've read 1984 rather than just watched the BBC show with that name, is a very different thing).

Eurythmics - Room 101

After last month's weighty debate about whether domestic abuse should be excused via the medium of popular song, I thought I'd choose something a bit lighter this month. Of course, the danger of that was that nobody would have much of an opinion either way... or, as Swiss Adam put it, "I can't really come up with anything for Mungo Jerry - I'm pretty ambivalent about it."

Membership of the Cancel Culture Club is on an unpaid, and entirely voluntary basis. So if you ain't got no opinion, you are fully entitled to say that and watch the tumbleweed blow across your screen. But before we see if anyone did have strong feelings one way or t'other, let's remind ourselves of this month's defendant...

When I initially searched the web for "songs that should be cancelled", this was one that initially had me scratching my head. A radio staple from my youth - what could possibly cause offence? 

C from Sun-Dried Sparrows... can you answer that question?

I'd almost forgotten about this one, sorry! But I think it's because 'In The Summertime' doesn't elicit any strong response in me other than the memories of hearing this so much as a kid and being mesmerised by Ray Dorset's sideburns on ToTP performances.  I'd never seen anyone like him.  I've never really given it much thought other than to accept it as one of those catchy, singalong, happy sounding songs, part of the soundtrack to  my childhood.  And, apologies, but to use words that come up so frequently in this series, it's another one of those that's very of its time.  Maybe we're being more conditioned to take things literally now, but to me this song is just too lightweight for the lyrics to be of concern that way.

Therefore - yes, it references drinking and driving, it's laddish and hedonistic, but it's just not a song to be taken seriously on any level. so I wouldn't cancel it.   

I'd cancel his sideburns, but that's just me.

(I think their follow-up 'Baby Jump' may give more cause for alarm - although it's a great grungey track!)

Mungo Jerry - Baby Jump

Baby Jump? What on earth's wrong with that, C?

She wears those micro-mini dresses

Hair hanging down her back

She wears those see-through sweaters

She likes to wear her stockings black

And if I see her tonight

You can bet your life, I'll attack

Oh.

OK.

Did I choose the wrong song this month?

She got beautiful teeth

A toothpaste ad-man's dream

She got a beautiful form

The best I've ever seen

I'm gonna get her tonight

I don't care where she been

On second thoughts - "a toothpaste ad-man's dream"? I hope that's not your best chat up line, Ray. Or you're definitely going home alone tonight.

The Maccabees - Toothpaste Kisses

Anyway, back to In The Summertime. I was just about to draw the shutters down on this particularly uninspiring edition of the Cancel Culture Club when a last minute missive flopped through my virtual letterbox. And boy oh boy... it was a doozy.

Joe Jackson - Rant And Rave

A hearty welcome back to SWC from No Badger Required...

There are a lot of things wrong with ‘In the Summertime’.  Obviously, there are the lyrics, but I’ll come back to them.  But before all that, you’ve got the awful plinky plonky piano nonsense that is trundling along in the background and the stupid noises that Ray Dorset makes across the song and all his grunts and groans that make it sound like he is dry humping his pillow during the closing bits of the song – all that I suppose is bad enough to cancel not only this song, but the band, their entire back catalogue and most of the seventies with it.  Frankly, I wouldn’t be surprised if ‘In The summetime’ erm, popped up in one of those awful ‘Confessions…’ films starring Robin Asquith.

Anyway, let’s look at the lyrics, which were, even 50 years ago, depressingly stalkerish.  You can imagine some crazed sex offender playing this track as he packed his little rape kit up and stuck it in the back of his Ford Anglia.

It starts, ok:

 

In the summertime, when the weather is high 

You can stretch right up and touch the sky.

There is not much wrong with that to be fair, although I’m not sure how weather can be high, but we can skip over that. It’s the, well, rest of it that is a bit squirmy.

When the weather's fine

You got women, you got women on your mind 

Have a drink, have a drive 

Go out and see what you can find

Hmm, women on your mind, eh, well we’ve probably all been there, but have a drink, have a drive, go out and see what you can find….  I’ll refer you back to my line about the crazed sex offender and his Ford Anglia. It, unbelievably, gets worse.

If her daddy's rich, take her out for a meal, 

If her daddy's poor, just do what you feel.  

Speed along the lane, do a ton or a ton and twenty-five. 

When the sun goes down 

You can make it, make it good in a lay-by

So….Ray….rich girls, needs to be spoiled, before they let you have your wicked way, but those poor working class lasses, well they’ll probably put out for 50p and a bag of grapes,  right??!?  

You can tell he's the South West Correspondent. "Bag of grapes"? How posh is that. It'd be a bag of chips where I come from, lad. 

Personally, I'm always impressed that they managed to get the word "lay-by" into a song, with all its sordid connotations. I was going to look if I could find any songs about dogging, but I decided to not risk putting that term into my search engine.

Porcupine Tree - Heartattack In A Layby

Apologies, SWC. Do continue...

But not content with a planned molesting of a some really unfortunate female, you are also going to scare the life out of her by driving at a hundred and twenty fives miles a hour, after ‘having a drink’ and then pull into some layby for a bit of how’s your father…I’ll refer you back to my comment about Robin Asquith…

But its ok, folks, because Ray has a philosophy….Oh goody.

We're not grey people, we're not dirty, we're not mean. 

We love everybody, but we do as we please.  

When the weather's fine, we go fishing or go swimming in the sea.  

We're always happy, life's for living

Yeah, that's our philosophy

Not quite sure which school of philosophy that comes from, possible Foucault and his Idea of Top Down Coercion or maybe Kant’s lesser known Theory of Blatant Misogynistic Bollocks. 

Ray – love – you are grey, you are dirty and you are pretty mean.  I don’t care if you love everybody, you really can’t do as you please, not now, not then.  That’s why Dave Lee Travis can’t be on the radio anymore, he had that attitude and it wasn’t cool.  Stick to your fishing and your swimming, at least then might get washed away by a rogue tidal wave.   

Ah, I do love a good rant. They're the very oxygen this feature lives by. So thank you to SWC for that - and the rest of you, with your mild ambivalence: look what you're missing.

We might do another one of these next month. Or this might really be the last gasp. That's my philosophy.

Product Placement Friday #10: Mother's Pride

I noticed there was some debate in Wednesday's Daktari post about Mother's Pride, with George questioning The Proclaimers...

Mother’s Pride on the table, Batman on TV

A Man in a Suitcase, and Daktari and Skippy

The Proclaimers - Lulu Selling Tea

Mother’s Pride, Misters Reid, not a proper Scottish plain loaf?

Charity Chic was swift to come to the defence of the bread which began life in the north of England but soon spread all across the British Isles...

Mother's Pride is a proper loaf!

So proper, in fact, that they got Dusty Springfield in to sing their praises...

They don't make adverts like that anymore.

Where else can we find Mother's Pride mentioned in song?

Let's start with another Scot...

You with yer brand new shoes and

You with yer greasy hair and

You with your Mother's Pride and poetry

Don't you want to feel the shame?

The Eurythmics - Shame

And then another. Stevie Jackson is the guitarist in Belle & Sebastian. He also released a solo album in 2011 with the superb title (I Can't Get No) Stevie Jackson. Who wouldn't want that in their collection?

Sitting with my lunchbox

Plain bread, Mother's Pride

Brown crust on the outside

I couldn't take my eyes off her

She was playing and I was staying pure of heart

Stevie Jackson - Pure Of Heart

We can always rely on Jim Bob to turn product placement into a metaphor for crumbling society...

And the grass grows bluer on the other side

Where the old girls queue for their Mother's Pride

For a slice of life it's a bargain sale

The price is right but the bread is stale

Carter USM - Rubbish

Meanwhile, the Rentals take their passion for a sliced loaf to the extreme...

Why do I have to die for Mother’s Pride?

Why didn’t they tell me before?

The Rentals - Breaking & Breaking & Breaking

While Chrissie Hynde clearly uses it in the boudoir...

I'm potent, baby, I'm potent

Dangerous to the naked eye

Rest your head on this bed of Mother's Pride

And find out why

The Pretenders - Sense Of Purpose

And Damon Albarn only gets his on a Sunday...

Sunday, Sunday here again, tidy attire

You read the color supplement, the TV guide

You dream of protein on a plate, regret you left it quite so late

To gather the family around the table, to eat enough to sleep

And Mother's Pride is your epithet, that extra slice you'll soon regret

So going out is your best bet, then bingo yourself to sleep

Oh that Sunday sleep

Blur - Sunday Sunday

Not all the lyrical references above are pure product placement, of course. The term "mother's pride (and joy)" is commonly used to refer to "the emotion a mother feels when one of her children succeeds in some endeavor, and I rejected quite a few lyrics on the basis that I doubted they'd ever heard of the bread. However, both the artists below grew up in the 60s and 70s and would have been familiar with the brand when they came to name songs after it, even if the songs in question might have more to do with maternal delight than sliced bread. They knew what they were doing, is my point.

Let's start with George... a different George than the one who inspired this post...

That's a pretty emotional tune about loss, one I've not heard in years.

On the other hand, we have a Paul Heaton song that compares Mother's Pride with Father's Pride... and the dads have a lot to answer for.

 

Another slice of product placement next Friday...

Snapshots #253: A Top Ten Stranger Songs

If you've spent the weekend looking for Stranger Things... let me take away some of the mystery.

Here are ten Stranger songs... 

10. Add cola to the temple.

Pepsi Cola and a Shirley Temple.

Pepsi & Shirley - Goodbye, Stranger

9. Mixture's Sister.

Specifically, a Dolly Mixture's Sister.

Stella Parton - The Danger of a Stranger

8. German invader.

The Saxons were a North Germanic people who invaded Britain a long time ago.

Saxon - 747 (Strangers In The Night)

7. If uneven, sue the council.

Don't trip on the uneven pavement.

Pavement - Spit On A Stranger

6. We Need To Talk About... Rock.

We Need To Talk About Kevin... and Ayers Rock.

Kevin Ayers - Stranger in Blue Suede Shoes

5. Brick lake.

Anagram!

Acker Bilk - Stranger On The Shore

4. Pitchfork brandishers.

Villagers brandish pitchforks.

Villagers - Twenty Seven Strangers

3. John Thomas Horatio.

John Thomas is a euphemism for Willie + Admiral Horatio Nelson.

Willie Nelson - Red-Headed Stranger

2. Myth Cruise.

Anagram!

Eurythmics - Love Is A Stranger

1. Mr. Benn meets Gordon.

Tony Benn + Gordon Bennett.

Tony Bennett - Stranger In Paradise

Don't be a stranger - come back next Saturday for more.

Saturday Snapshots #138 - The Answers

That's Krysten Ritter, from Breaking Bad & Jessica Jones, two fine shows.

I have no puns... just answers!



10. Piano playing dog meets marvellous man at the end o' the road.

The piano playing dog on The Muppet Show was Ralph.

Stan Lee was a Marvel-ous man.

Ralph Stanley - O Death

Worth watching the video for a truly chilling live performance.

(That one made its was onto my Songs For Dead Heroes compilation.)

9. Romantic fullstop for feathered Shakespeare.

The feathered Shakespeare is a cross between bird and bard...

A fullstop is a period.

Dan Baird - I Love You, Period

You may know him better as the lead singer of the Georgia Satellites.

8. Moorland flowers explode like stars... just like Caine.

Heather goes nova.



Jules:
First I'm gonna deliver this case to Marcellus, then, basically, I'm just gonna walk the earth.

Vincent:
What'cha mean walk the earth?

Jules:
You know, like Caine in Kung Fu. Walk from place to place, meet people... get into adventures. 

Heather Nova - Walk This World

7. What happens when Essex stops dreaming... flatulent warmongers.

David Essex sang about a Silver Dream Machine. Take the Dream from that and you get what a windy hawk (as in Hawks & Doves) might sing about...

Hawkwind - Silver Machine

6. Should a mother be so confident in her prowess?

Should a mother = Shall a ma?

Shalamar - I Can Make You Feel Good

Although half a mark to Charity Chic, because A Night To Remember would also fit the clue.

5. Shortened tyres preferred by drivers in motor city when chased by small Spanish wolf.

Michelin make tyres. Shorter = Mitch.

Motor City = Motown = Detroit.

A small Spanish wolf?

Mitch Ryder & The Detroit Wheels - Little Latin Lupe Lu

4. Shipwreck connected to disastrous backbone.

The tragic hipbone's connected to the disastrous backbone. Hear the word of the lord!

The Tragically Hip - Nautical Disaster

3. Taxi driver meets depressed meteorologist.

Travis Bickle was a Taxi Driver.

Travis - Why Does It Always Rain On Me?

2. Mythic ruse, honest.

Mythic ruse is an anagram. I am telling you the truth!

Eurythmics - Would I Lie To You?

1. Mentally fixated, like a Boy, Solo.

Boy George + Harrison (Han Solo) Ford...

I love this song and George is by far my favourite Beatle... but that is a truly awful video.




More next week!

My Top Ten Mondegreens

Mondegreens. Misheard lyrics. You'll find them all over the internet, but here are ten GENUINE ones from my past. I honestly thought these were the actual lyrics... until finally, often many years later, I discovered the truth.


10. Kim Wilde - Chequered Love

What do you want for tea, Kim?

"Chicken, love."

Possibly the earliest mondegreen I ever encountered... or at least, the earliest one I can remember. She just can't get enough chicken, love. I still hear that today...

Chequered Love!

9. Madonna - La Isla Bonita

"Young girl, with eyes like potatoes"

This is one of the ones you'll see a lot on websites that discuss mondegreens. Most of the other examples they quote sound preposterous to me, apart from Bohemain Rhapsody's famous "Beelzebub had a devil for a sideboard". But this... this was exactly what I thought Madonna was singing in 1986. Apparently, a lot of people also thought the opening line to this song was the racially offensive, "Last night I dreamt of some dago". Poor old Madonna. Enunciate, luv.

Young girl with eyes like the desert

I'm having a hard time accepting Madonna will be 60 this year. Bad enough that Kylie just turned 50.

8. Tori Amos - Professional Widow

Honey, bring me a toaster pie

Honey, bring me toast to my lips, yeah

Must be what they call Pop Tarts in America, I thought at the time. A Toaster Pie. That made perfect sense to me.

Honey bring it close to my 

Honey bring it close to my lips, yeah

Not far off, actually. And I still think she's singing about a Toaster Pie.

7. Erasure - A Little Respect

"What will you do to make me

Call Martin Scorcese's number?"

I've been planning this particular Top Ten for a while now and whenever I heard a song from my youth with a lyric I just couldn't explain, I had to go and check out the real thing. I swear I always thought Andy Bell was asking for Martin Scorcese's number in this song. I have no idea why.

What religion or reason

Could drive a man to forsake his lover

Now I've read the real lyric, I can't even hear the Martin Scorcese bit anymore. It's gone.

6. Bob Marley - Is This Love?

"We'd be together

With a roof rack over our head"

What a nice romantic image that is, Bob. Somewhere to store your tandem bike when you're on the road, presumably.

We'll be together

With a roof right over our heads

Oh. One word can change your whole interpretation of a song.

5. Michael Jackson - Don't Stop Till You Get Enough

"Keep on - to the Post Office

Don't stop till you get enough"

Enough what, Michael? Stamps? Airmail stickers? Postal Orders? (Do they even have Postal Orders anymore? Probably not. Another archaic item from our past.)

What did Michael want from the Post Office?

Keep on

With the force don't stop

Don't stop till you get enough

Really? What is that, a Star Wars reference?

You know, I think I prefer my version.

4. Boston - More Than A Feeling

"I see my derriere walking away..."

For many, many years it always baffled me how The Bloke Out Of Boston (do you know his name?) could possibly see his own backside if he was walking away. Was he looking over his shoulder into a mirror? Wasn't he looking where he was going? Accident waiting to happen, right there...

I see my Marianne walkin' away

3. Eurythmics - There Must Be An Angel (Playing With My Heart)

"No one on earth could be like me

I'm running, overgrown with fleas..."

Somebody get Annie a flea collar - stat!

No one on earth could feel like this

I'm thrown and overflown with bliss

2. Meat Loaf - Bat Out Of Hell

"I'm gonna hit the highway like a battering ram,

I'm a Cilla Black fan, am I!"

You might wonder why Meat was such a big fan of Our Cilla... I certainly did. Then again, BOOH was written by Jim Steinman, who is officially BARKING MAD, so why shouldn't he throw in a reference to Cilla? Maybe he was after a blind date...

I'm gonna hit the highway like a battering ram,

On a Silver Black Phantom Bike

When I found out the real lyrics, I was just as confused? Is that a Black Phantom bike that's painted silver? Or is it Silver-Black? What the hell is Silver-Black, Jim? Is that even a colour?

1. Elvis Costello - The Angels Wanna Wear My Red Shoes

These may not be as amusing as some of the ones above, but they speak to how I spent a large part of my late teens and early twenties: headphones on, sat beside the stereo, listening to Elvis Costello albums and trying to write down the lyrics. There were never any lyric sheets in Elvis's records and the way he spat and twisted and punned his way through the language was endlessly fascinating... but also a little frustrating when I just couldn't work out what he was singing. Even now, almost 30 years later, I can still remember the time I spent puzzling over this one song in particular...

"Our love got fractured into echo and suede"

Our love got fractured in the echo and sway

"But since you got in my pumps, you just suspend my sentence"

Ever since you got me punctured this has been my sentence

Fortunately, the greatest lyrical couplet this song has to offer was clear as a bell...

Oh, I said, "I'm so happy I could die"

She said, "Drop dead" then left with another guy...

Your turn! There must be a misheard lyric or two in your back catalogue. Do share.

Hot 100 Countdown #84

It took you quite a while to work out #84 on my countdown, even though I gave you a pretty big clue that the song had featured here quite recently. Luckily, C has a better memory than most, but first a few runners-up, starting with the Orwellian ones...

Charity Chic suggested...

Eurythmics - Sexcrime (Nineteen Eighty-Four)

The Swede offered...

David Bowie - 1984

C gave us...

Spirit - 1984

Sadly, nobody suggested...

Van Halen - 1984 (from the album of the same name... though to be fair, it is just a glorified introduction to Jump)

Alyson, meanwhile, ditched Orwell and came up with a perfectly decent offering I'd never heard before...

The Strypes - 84

Rigid Digit, on the other hand, offered a Simple Minds album that he might also be thinking of suggesting for the next three weeks. Let me save him the effort... no, thanks, RD.

All of which leaves us with this, which C remembered from back in November...




83? Your guess may be better than mine...

My Top ∞ Radio Songs #21: Radio One (Part 1)

I've been listening to a few of the Radio One 50th anniversary shows on the Radio 1 Vintage pop up station. Till now, I've mostly talked about either Radio 2 or local radio in this feature, but like most young people, I did have my Radio 1 years... in fact, I had them twice.

The first time was in the mid-80s, and it started with Janice Long's Friday evening Select-A-Disc show, which was basically just a request show... but it sounded fascinating to me, because it was full of teenagers ringing up to request The Eurythmics - There Must Be An Angel (this song, more than any other, says Select-A-Disc to me) and Long chatting to them about who they fancied at school, whether they were going out on a date that weekend, snogging, discos... this arcane world I'd suddenly realised was out there and I might one day be a part of (it never happened). Perhaps Janice Long held the answers.

Soon after, I became a Radio One junkie, listening all through the day (except for the Breakfast show - I have never been a regular listener to the Radio One breakfast show: it was either Wogan or... no one, I guess. I certainly didn't listen to Derek Jameson when he took over while old Tel was on the telly). It started with Simon Bates. Our Tune. Corny, but I was at the right age for corny. Then Gary Davies. There are those who will tell you Gary Davies was a great DJ. He wasn't. He was cheese on a stick. Ooh, Gary Davies. Terrible, but I listened. And then... Steve Wright.

I've already talked about Steve Wright, but there's one story I haven't yet told. It happened around the time I was doing hospital radio, and it is my great radio shame. Let's pull the plaster off quickly then, shall we?

I recorded an audition demo tape to try and get a job on Steve Wright's posse. I did it at the hospital radio station, early one weekend when nobody else was around. It wasn't long, it wasn't even a proper demo. It was just me, with a bit of music, telling Steve Wright how he needed a Yorkshire teenager on his posse: to bring a bit of wit or diversity or youth or something to his programme... god knows what I thought I had to offer. I recorded it onto a C30, put it in a padded envelope, and posted it to the BBC. I still remember the moment I posted it. The exact postbox I popped it into. Time seemed to stand still in those seconds... I was so certain this was the moment that would define my life. Soon there would be a phone call and I'd be invited down to London and the rest would be history.

I can't imagine what I'd have done if Steve Wright had called. I couldn't have moved to London. I hated cities. I was a country boy. That place would have killed me... if I hadn't bottled it first. But 17 is a very confusing time. Jarvis sums it up perfectly in today's radio song...

Oh I was seventeen,
When I heard the countdown start, it started slowly,
And I thought it was my heart but then I realised,
That this time it was for real there was no place to hide,
I had to go out and feel,
But there was time to kill,
And so I, I walked my way around town,
I tried to love the world,
Oh but the world just got me down...

My God, you've got to understand,
That I was seventeen!
I didn't, I didn't know a thing at all.
I've got no reason,
No reason at all,
Oh no.

I wasted all my time on all those stupid things that only get me down
Get down, oh
And the sky, is crying out tonight,
For me to leave this town.
So I'll leave this town.

The sky, is crying out tonight,
For me to leave this town,
Yeah, I'm gonna leave this town

21. Pulp - Countdown

Soon after, I realised it was never going to happen. I hope I gave Steve Wright and his London media tossposse mates a good laugh at the stupid northern child who sent that tape. I can still hear them laughing at it now. There's a dark part of me thinks Wrighty kept that tape, that he gets it out and plays it at his big showbiz media idiot parties and they all guffaw themselves stupid.

Who could blame them if they did?




More on Radio One next time...

The Top Ten Songs I Hated When I Was A Kid... #1

...But Like Or Love Now.

As previously discussed, I didn't get into buying pop records until I was 15. Before then, my musical education was filtered through (much) older siblings and parents who were firm Radio 2 listeners. Growing up, I did encounter some of the more contemporary, chart-bound songs of the day that my friends were into... and I would often rebel against them. Actively dislike them, no, HATE them, just because everyone else was raving about them (or because CERTAIN people were).

Anyway, I thought I'd start a new (occasional) series featuring and trying to explain why I hated these songs back in the day. And why, in many cases, I came to love them.

There was only one song I could kick off with...

1. The Smiths - Heaven Knows I'm Miserable Now

(Oh yeah, I thought I'd count upwards, 1 - 10, for these posts. It made more sense.)

The Smiths' most famous song was released in 1984, when I was 12 years old, still in the first year of high school. I hadn't started retuning the dial to Radio 1 yet, and I certainly wasn't watching Top of the Pops regularly... still, I very much doubt many of my fellow First Years were aware of The Smiths at this point either. Let's fast forward a year or so to be on the safe side...

OK, now I've just started the Third Year. I'm definitely listening to Radio 1 now, because I remember being very fond of Janice Long's Selectadisc on a Friday tea time. I liked this show a lot because girls (and sometimes boys) would phone up and request songs for people they fancied and I was very much into the idea of fancying and being fancied (though there was far too much of the former and bugger all of the latter going on). I know it's 1985 when I was listening to this show because I remember hearing There Must Be An Angel (Playing With My Heart) getting requested a lot and I loved Annie Lennox's vocal gymnastics at the start of that song. I also remember that quite frequently someone would call up and request a song by THE MOST MISERABLE BAND ever, The Smiths. And often they would request the one song that proved this, without a shadow of a doubt: Heaven Knows I'm Miserable Now.

Now I was one of those annoying kids who liked to make people laugh. I didn't muck about in class, but I did do a half-decent line in celebrity / teacher impressions outside the classroom. I must have been half-decent as the drama teacher got me to introduce a school performance. I was the link man for this evening, coming on stage in between each little play and filling while they rearranged the sets behind me. I remember I did a Rod Serling Twilight Zone spoof as one of my intros, but I can't for the life of me remember what any of the others were. I'm sure they were excruciating for anyone over the age of 15 (and quite a few people under that age too) but I digress...

One of my favourite impressions soon became this MISERABLE BASTARD "POP" SINGER who kept getting played on Selectadisc.

"Moan moan moan, I hate my life, I'm so miserable, I wish I was dead, moan, moan, moan..."

My impression went something like that, and involved the sticking out of my bottom lip for added emphasis. I had friends - a couple of very good ones by this time (though there's a part of me that always feels I struggled to make friends in school: hence why I was so desperate to make people laugh) - who loved The Smiths, and kept trying to turn me on to them. It didn't work. I resisted their efforts well into the Sixth Form, and persisted with my Moz-mockery. (One of those friends went to a 6th Form Fancy Dress disco wearing National Health glasses and gladioli in his back pocket. I went as the Jack Nicholson Joker. All that face paint played havoc with my acne. No way I was going to pull that night.)

I mentioned on Facebook a couple of weeks back how I didn't get into The Smiths until I was 19 (there's a story behind that, John Peel is involved, another post for another day) and an old school acquaintance and longtime Smiths fan replied I "just wasn't ready for them" until then. There's a truth in that, but it's not the whole story. One of the reasons my friends kept trying to change my stubborn opinion is that in many ways The Smiths were made for me as a teenager. I had a dark sense of humour, a cynical outlook on the world, and was prone to bouts of morose depression. I was also incredibly lonely in that epically sad teenage way that stops you from enjoying the friends you do have and making the most of that most difficult time.

In my life
Why do I smile
At people who I'd much rather kick in the eye?

Morrissey was there for me throughout my 20s, when I really needed him. Ironically, I became one of those people who argued vociferously whenever anyone dared to call The Smiths "miserablists" and defended Morrissey through some of his dumbest attempts at verbal self destruction. (Nobody opens his mouth and inserts his foot like Moz.) But even after I'd learned the lyrics to every obscure Smiths b-side off by heart, there was still a part of me that refused to fully embrace Heaven Knows I'm Miserable Now. It would take a long time to lift that self-imposed stigma.

I can laugh about it now, but at the time it was terrible...*





(*Yeah, I know that's a different song. It just seemed a very appropriate line to finish on.)

My Top Ten John Hurt Songs

I'm not going to go off on one about losing another hero of my youth. Last year was a bad one, but I think we all have to accept now, this is going to happen with greater frequency as we count down to our own departures. Facts of life, and all that.

Never mind, here's ten songs in tribute to The Elephant Man, Kane, Winston Smith and The War Doctor...


10. Johnny Cash - Hurt

Let's start with the best song on the list, though in some ways the least relevant. It's a John, and he's Hurt. It seemed to fit the mood too.

9. Biff Bang Pow! - Chocolate Elephant Man

There will be more references to The Elephant Man in this list than any of John Hurt's other films. I'll explain the main reason for that shortly, but there's another reason. The story of John Merrick touched a lot of songwriters and became a metaphor for loneliness, bravery and prejudice.

Released in 1985, Biff Bang Pow!'s song was obviously inspired by John Hurt's starring role in the 1980 film.

8. Todd Rundgren's Utopia - Winston Smith Takes It On The Jaw

I read the other day that Amazon in the USA has currently sold out of George Orwell's 1984.

Todd Rundgren released this, as part of the Utopia album Oblivion back in the actual 1984. When we only had Ronald Reagan to worry about.

See also David Bowie's 1984 and 1984 (Sex Crime) by The Eurythmics, obviously.

7. Catatonia - Hooked

Very early Catatonia single which ends with the Elephant Man sleeping. Shush,

See also Rufus Wainwright's In My Arms for more Victorian hospital beds John Merrick might sleep in.

6. Pet Shop Boys & Dusty Springfield - Nothing Has Been Proved

From the soundtrack of the movie Scandal, in which Hurt played Stephen Ward, the man who took the rap for the Profumo affair, and ended his own life as a consequence.

5. Sparks - I Wish I Looked A Little Better

Another Elephant Man reference, though Ron and Russell turn it into an ode to teenage insecurity...

Turn out the light, yeah, the light
And I might have a chance
I guess I look slightly worse
Than the Elephant Man
Whoa, oh, oh, I wish I looked a little better

4. The Beautiful South - I May Be Ugly

Paul Heaton does the same, for a slightly older man. Full of cruel jokes, masking a much deeper sadness. Which is a great metaphor for the pain we cause when we judge others by their outward deformities.

When you feel like London
And you look like Hull
You think Travolta pulled Newton-John
Who did John Hurt pull?

3. Alt-J - The Gospel of John Hurt

Sigourney Weaver recalls, "All it said in the script was, 'This thing emerges.'"

No space

L-shaped
Tetris
Tile seeking
Somewhere
Oh somewhere
To fit in
Alien

 

Oh, coming out of the woodwork
Chest bursts like John Hurt
Coming out of the woods

2. The Pogues - Sally Maclennane

As you might have guessed, The Elephant Man is my favourite John Hurt performance, and not just because it's directed by David Lynch. A lot of actors would have turned this role into caricature; he found real pathos. I cry every time I watch it.

I already did My Top Ten Elephant Songs though, which included two songs called Elephant Man. I skipped those this time for deeper lyrical references,

But Jimmy didn't like his place in this world of ours
Where the elephant man broke strong men's necks when he'd had too many pours
So sad to see the grieving and the people that I'm leaving
And he took the road for god knows in the morning

1. Art Garfunkel - Bright Eyes

And if you don't fill up every time you hear this, you didn't grow up in the 70s.

There's a high wind in the trees
A cold sound in the air
And nobody ever knows when you go
And where do you start?
Oh, into the dark

Rest in peace, Hazel.