Celebrity Jukebox #38: Raquel Welch

I think it's fair to say that Raquel Welch must be the oldest actress I've ever featured here. After all, she has been acting since One Million Years BC. 

When Stephen King wrote the novella that The Shawshank Redemption was based on, the poster on Andy DuFrense's cell wall was Rita Hayworth. In the movie, to better show the passage of time, he has three posters: Hayworth, Marilyn... and the iconic image above of Raquel Welch in One Million Years BC, surely one of the most famous posters ever printed... after that one of the tennis player scratching her arse. Iffypedia tells us "Welch helped transform America's feminine ideal into its current state", a statement which is as questionable as it is disputable. To her credit, Welch herself once said, "I was not brought up to be a sex symbol, nor is it in my nature to be one. The fact that I became one is probably the loveliest, most glamorous and fortunate misunderstanding". 

Whatever you think of Raquel Welch, it's fair to say that poster may well have decorated the bedroom walls of many of the songwriters below...

The Violent Femmes - Raquel

Not actually about Raquel Welch, just a girl with the same first name as her. However, Ms. Welch does get a mention... and extra points for rhyming her surname with "squelch".

Raquel.

I am not well.

Raquel.

What is this feeling that 

I'm not trying to squelch?

I don't know your last name,

I just know it's not Welch.

No question about this one though, from the man who wrote The Ballad Of Lucy Jordan...

Shel Silverstein - Raquel Welch

I been collectin' matches for 20 years or more

I got about a hundred thousand books of 'em,

Sittin' in my end table draw

So that if Raquel Welch comes knockin' at my door

And asks me for a match, for her cigarette...

I'll be ready

And there can be little doubt that Gruff Rhys had Ms. Welch in mind when he wrote this for his Super Furries side project...

Neon Neon - Raquel

Oh Raquel

You've really got the power over me

Oh Raquel

Your silhouette's an hourglass indeed

I saw you as a movie star

And now you're riding in my car

Oh Raquel

You fill me with inertia, yes you do

Oh Raquel

I know this when I touch you, on a balloon

Your daddy came from Bolivia

Your Irish mother gave you star

Shine on

(In case you're wondering, Gruff did his research. Raquel's parents are Bolivian daddy Armando Carlos Tejada Urquizo and Irish mummy Josephine Sarah Hall.)

OK, so those are the only songs I found with Raquel in the title. What about lyrical nods? 

Deep breath...

Yoko Ono - We're All Water

Yayayayayayayayaya!

Oh, sorry... I mean...

There may not be much difference

Between Chairman Mao and Richard Nixon

If we strip them naked

There may not be much difference

Between Marilyn Monroe and Lenny Bruce

If we check their coffins

There may not be much difference

Between Raquel Welch and Jerry Rubin

If we hear their heartbeat 

Deep.

Slightly less deep, yet somehow far less annoying, is the fact that Raquel Welch shares a birthday with Freddie Mercury, Werner Herzog and...

Loudon Wainwright III - Birthday Boy

I am the birthday boy

Today's my day, mine to enjoy

I am the birthday king

Today of me I sing

Fred Mercury is dead and gone

Raquel Welch continues on

Werner Herzog's doing fine

It's their birthdays and mine

Then comes the "I'll have what she's been smoking" category...

Tori Amos - Glory Of The 80s

I had the Story of O in my bucket seat

Of my wannabe Mustang

Auditioning for reptiles in their

Raquel Welch campaign

Glories of the 80s, you said

"I'm not afraid to die" I said,

"I don't find that remotely funny, even

On this space cake high"

Yeah, I'm not going to try to explain that.

Oh, look, here's a song with Two Parts! You have to scroll through to the beginning of Part 2, around the 4 minute mark, to hear a brief reference to Raquel... but I think it's just a playful nickname for Freddie's co-singer.

Freddie McKay - In Times Of Trouble

How about a word from Mr. Moonlighting himself?

Al Jarreau - Love Is Real

You think that love's

What's on that silver screen

Raquel and Redford are the tops

You've been misled

By all those movies you've seen

Or perhaps you'd prefer something from the first Finnish band to ever chart in the UK?

Hanoi Rocks - Futurama

My little lover's gonna be another copy of Raquel Welch, 

I'll build her a house and a maid named Jill

And spend the rest of my life down in Beverly Hills

Or a Christian Rock Supergroup? (Aren't they all?)

Lost Dogs - Carry Me

Remember Raquel Welch in that fur bikini

The dinosaur bird swooping down

Loana, the fair one, flailing and screaming

Soon as her feet left the ground

Sometimes there’s nowhere to hide

Just as well to surrender and go for the ride

Loana was the name of the character Raquel played in One Million Years BC. Clearly they're not Christian fundamentalists, otherwise they'd be rubbishing the film's depiction of dinosaurs which, clearly, never existed.

Oh, and here's our token Mark Kozelek track for this week...

Mark Kozelek and Sean Yeaton - The Reasons I Love You

The reason I love you number eight

Is because we rarely rarely fight and we get along great

And you're prettier than me, than Raquel Welsh or Sharon Tate

And that's the reason I love you number eight

All of which leads us to two very clear winners for today's Raquel-love-in. 

The first... is only... one of the greatest TV theme tunes ever written...

I've never spent much time in school

But I taught ladies plenty

It's true, I hire my body out for pay, hey hey

I've gotten burnt over Sheryl Tiegs, blown up for Raquel Welch

But when I end up in the hay, it's only hay, hey hey

And the second... is Loretta. 'Nuff said.

I'm glad that Raquel Welch just signed a million dollar pact

And Debbie's out in Vegas workin' up a brand new act

While the TV's showin' newlyweds, a real fun game to play

But here in Topeka, the screen door's a bangin'

The coffee's boilin' over and the wash needs a hangin'

One wants a cookie and one wants a changin'

And one's on the way

Celebrity Jukebox #33: Christopher Walken

We finished watching the second series of Stephen Merchant’s The Outlaws last week. I didn’t really like the direction the plot took this season, but the cast was still strong, Merchant’s writing is still funny (if a little BBC-preachy at times) and Christopher Walken is in it. Playing Christopher Walken. Except he’s in the last place you’d expect to find Christopher Walken.

Although he made his name in a diverse set of roles, from The Deer Hunter to The Dead Zone, in recent years Christopher Walken has pretty much played it safe and been Christopher Walken in just about everything. Charming, witty, twinkly-eyed… but with a layer of sinister malevolence that says if you cross him… boom! And often, though he doesn’t play the starring role, he has the most memorable scene in the movie. Take his face-off with Dennis Hopper in True Romance or the Gold Watch monologue from Pulp Fiction. They never grow old.

When it comes to popping up in pop songs though… Walken is all over the place. Most memorably in a certain Norman Cook video. Back in the 80s, there was a Ryan O’Neal film written by Norman Mailer called Tough Guys Don’t Dance. Mailer obviously never met Walken.

Beyond dancing - what about lyrical cameos?

Well, Wilco have a song called Walken… though from the lyrics, it does seem to be more about walking.

I'm walkin' all by myself
Well, I was talkin' to myself
About you; what am I gonna do?

Wilco – Walken

If I seriously believed that was about Christopher Walken, I might also suggest that Chaucer was predicting the rise of the great actor back in The Canterbury Tales…

A mayde, and love huntynge and venerye,
And for to walken in the wodes wilde,
And noght to ben a wyf, and be with childe.

More specific references can be found in the following…

The Jesus and Mary Chain - Presidici (Et Chapaquiditch)

And a gold cap tooth is always misunderstood
Christopher Walken's in a terrible mood
And I broke some hearts I met along the way
But my heart's broken every brand new day

From their 2017 comeback album, Damage & Joy, which I clearly need to spend more time with.

Mark Kozelek – Live In Chicago

Stayed up late that night, texting away and talking
Steaming my suit in the bathroom
I'm gonna look sharp tomorrow,
Like Christopher Walken in True Romance

Mark Kozelek will probably turn up in this feature a lot, because his rambling talky monologue "songs" drop references like this all the time. But I'm a Mark Kozelek fan, so I'm always happy to feature him here.

Math The Band - Why Didn't You Get A Haircut?

I see you're living in the basement in the summertime
Your hat's on way too tight
I see your middle name is Jason
And I know it isn't Christopher Walken
So why didn't you get a haircut?

Being an English teacher, I never really know what to make of Math Rock. Other than it clearly needs an 's'.

Audra MacDonald -Baltimore

Ah, where, where was my mind when Mother said?
Avoid navel-contemplating
Floppy-haired actors originally from Baltimore
Who excel at mime, still play Stratego
And have issues with their mom
Sure at first they're very charming, their attention is disarming
But give attention in return and, dear, they'll drop you like a bomb
Yes, do avoid REO Speedwagon-loving
Christopher Walken-imitating thespians originally from Baltimore
Who can't piss unless their shrink says it's okay
Why let them break your heart, dear?
Put your head on and be smart, dear
Put some bug spray on and make them go away

I can't tell you anything about this other than I love it.

The Wildhearts –Velvet Presley

Velvet Presley lives in a hole
No one can stop those neighbours talking
Velvet Presley, rock and roll
Thinking he looks like Christopher Walken
Listen and he'll tell you of the time when he was leaving
‘Cos you never really had it that tough

Ditto.

Eleanor Friedberger - Owl's Head Park

I imagine Governor's Island is Shutter Island
I imagine Christopher Walken as a dancer named Ryan
It just don't seem right!

I think the reason I like this feature is that it throws up a lot of songs that are lyrically intriguing, tell stories, and are full of tiny novelistic details... which are my favourite types of songs, regardless of genre. 

Steel Panther -Tomorrow Night

Ponies and clowns will be walking around
Naked people having sex all over the ground
Britney Spears is making out with Christopher Walken
In the back yard Iron Maiden is rocking!

Regardless of genre!!! (Also, I think these guys are taking the piss. At least, I hope they are.)

Jason Falkner - His Train

And we talk about girls, what brothers don't talk about girls
And in his best Christopher Walken,
He says "Go out and get 'em", guess who's the protagonist?

I'm pretty sure I went to school with a kid called Jason Falkner. He wasn't the lead singer of Jellyfish though.

However, by far the best Christopher Walken songs I came across during my research are the ones below. Both are deserving of a Gold Watch.

Firstly, Aussie wunderkind Courtney Barnett…

You say "Christopher", I say "Walken"
You love, I love Christopher Walken
I guess at least we have got one thing in common

And secondly, old favourites of this blog, with one of their very best (much-covered) tunes…

I used to know you when we were young
You were in all my dreams
We sat together in Period One
Fridays at 8:15

Now I see your face in the strangest places
Movies and magazines
I saw you talking to Christopher Walken
On my TV screen

But I will wait for you
As long as I need to
And if you ever get back to Hackensack
I'll be here for you

Conversations With Ben #7: Cover Me

 

Link to above news story.

Ben: Well that's a win win for everyone.

Rol: I'd rather watch James any day of the week.

Exactly. It's like he's retaliating but it's turned out better.

Taking his mask off to spite his face.

On my Spotify random bit, a Darkness cover of Street Spirit (Fade Out) came up. Possibly a contender for the worst cover song ever.

Worse than Mark Ronson's cover of Stop Me?

Similar lines. Like how in Stop Me you can hear how it might be a dance song but one of the good things about it is it's restraint. Similarly, Street Spirit sounds like it could be a bombastic metal song but shouldn't.

Is that Darkness cover as bad as this...?

I opened that, saw the thumbnail and now refuse to watch it.

You know you want to. 3am. Save it for 3am.

To be fair, I only listened to 3 seconds of it before sending it to you.

Or what about Duran Duran doing 911 Is  A Joke?

Willie Nelson just did an album of Sinatra covers. That is sublime.

It's not Danzig doing Elvis, though.

And no covers album can ever come close to Strange Little Girls by Tori Amos so no one should try.

Actually  that is my favourite Tori Amos record.

And so it should be.

Mark Kozelek Sings Favourites?

Anything post Red House Painters should be ignored.

He's like Coldplay for pitchfork.

No.

You are wrong.

And to prove it, he has released 3 new records since your last comment.

Each one, a more generic beige than the last.

He is the king of grumpy old bastards.

It's performance art.

Like putting his diary out on record.

Not for everyone, but I get a lot out of listening to him ramble on about dead skunks in his yard.

It comforts me.

Look, a visual representation of Mark Kozelek's music...

You're just upsetting me now.

Try Death Grips, they're comforting.

Try the song Guillotine. It genuinely induces a sense of seasickness.

I don't want to feel seasick. I feel sick all the time anyway.

They're performance art. Like genuine performance art.

I only hope that when you're my age, Sufjan is putting out records like Kozelek is now. You'll get it then.

Sufjan will always put out records. And they'll always be amazing. And he'll one day finish the other 48 state albums.

Go away now. You're interrupting my crying myself to sleep. With Kozelek.

Try the new Julien Baker album for real cry to sleep music.

You keep missing the point. I don't want music that makes me cry. I want music that takes my mind off the crying.

Black Lace?

I just found a worse cover version than any we've named so far...

I dunno, The Sound Of Silence cover by Disturbed is very bad.

And then there's RHCP with Brandy and Higher Ground.

The whole of The Spaghetti Incident by Guns 'n' Roses.

Since I Don't Have You was OK. Although the video is dreadful, even by Axl standards.

I just spent 5 minutes investigating Sting and Shaggy duets on youtube. Sadly no covers.

When I was a teen, this compilation album started that is still going. Punk goes pop. It's not bad but incredibly mediocre. Very cut and paste pop punk covers.

I miss AV undercover club.

Alien Ant Farm's version of Smooth Criminal now sounds better than the original.

Did they do AV undercover?

No idea. But it seemed in the right area.

It was very varied. Wang Chung did Modest Mouse, it was great. Punch Brothers covered Reptilia. Lots of stuff.

Pinball Wizard... The Who or Elton?

Elton.

Despite being raised on Mod music, I do not understand the love for The Who.Great riffs, awful songs.

I spent a full two weeks listening exclusively to Isle of Wight and still didn't get it

Love me some Elton, though. And the Elton John biopic is the best biopic out there.

I like The Who. But you chose right. Elton brings a manic nature to the song that takes it to another level.

My dad, who is now 91 and so grew up with Sinatra, pre-pop music, and has never had any interest in any pop music... had a brief flickering of interest in The Who a few years ago because he liked all the CSI theme songs. Then he caught a bit of them playing Glastonbury and changed his mind.

You really need to watch Joe Pera. There's an episode where he discovers Baba O'Reilly...

Yes. You showed me that. I just couldn't find the show anywhere.

Just checked, Joe Pera on All4. 10 minute episodes. Gentle and honest. Literally the perfect Covid comedy.

2019 Contenders: The Power Of Love

There's always some debate whenever I mention my love for Huey Lewis & The News. Sometimes I think I'll start Huey Fridays and devote one day a week to extolling the virtues (non-ironically) of this most fun and life-affirming band. But I suspect I'd be pissing in the wind, and it'd just give Martin another excuse to drag out that American Psycho clip... to which I can at least respond with this these days, because it always gives me a chuckle.

But that's not why I'm here today. No.

I haven't even had time to write about the latest Sun Kil Moon album yet, when here comes another delicious offering from the too, too prolific Mark Kozelek, another artist who polarises opinion, just like Huey... though for quite different reasons.

This time Kozzer's teamed up with singer/violinist/female Bobby McFerrin impersonator Petra Haden. Perhaps her sweet-yet-slightly-oddball musicality has rubbed off on old grumpy guts as he's actually remembered to sing a couple of times on this record (as well as more of the usual mumbled diatribes... one 19 minute track on this album is called 1983 Era MTV Music is The Soundtrack To Outcasts Being Bullied By Jocks... which will keep me happy for a while, anyway).

This... this is beautiful though. One of the best songs of the 80s (shut up, you're wrong) given an entirely new spin by a misanthrope and an angel. Listen without prejudice...



If you want more Petra Haden, I recommend her versions of...

God Only Knows

The Boys Of Summer

And Bernard Herrmann's theme tune to Psycho.

Hot 100 #36

American metal band 36 Crazyfists (named after a Jackie Chan movie) welcome us back to the Hot 100 countdown after a week's break. Let's get straight onto your suggestions...

Martin started us out with what may well seem the obvious one. Alyson seconded this and added a little extra commentary...

The song was written over 25 years ago but nothing seems to have changed, in fact in anything things have got worse. Red haired singer Briana Corrigan left the band because of it, feeling that the lyrics criticised the glamour models rather than the industry that pays them.

What are we doing to a large chunk of the female population who seem to think the route to happiness and success is still via grossly enlarged chesticles. Argh.... Sorry rant over!

The Beautiful South - 36D

No need to apologise, Alyson, you can rant here anytime you want.

To be honest, that was almost this week's winner as I used to love that song, but Mr. Heaton has done pretty well out of this countdown so far, so I decided to go in a different direction.

On a similar theme, Rigid Digit offered...

The Commodores - Brick House

Ow, she's a brick house
Well put-together, everybody knows
This is how the story goes
She knows she got everything
That a woman needs to get a man, yeah, yeah
How can she lose with the stuff she use
36 24 36, oh what a winning hand

Beyond the gleeful 70s objectification of larger ladies, you can imagine British DJs having to bite their tongue every time they played this record so as not to add an extra word to the title.

And then came C...

How about a groovy foot-stomping early '60s instrumental from The Shadows - 36-24-36 (no idea what it's about though, a phone number perhaps or a bank sort code?)

Did they have sort codes in the 60s?

Finally in this particular subsection, Bobby Bland knows a lady with similar dimensions...

Bobby Bland - 36-22-36

And so do this lot...

ZZ Top - 36-22-36

Taking us away from curves and bumps, Lynchie was next up with another bloody gun song... a belter though.

Tom Waits - 16 Shells From a 30-6

If I was still being picky about this feature, I might question whether that really qualifies as a 36 due to Mr. Waits' choice of wording.

C also offered the following, which she presumed was about appearing on Mastermind...

John Cooper Clarke - Thirty-Six Hours

36 hours in the mystery chair
36 hours in the quizzical glare
Of the naked lights and the visible hardware

Great video for that... although that must be a bloody long microphone lead.

That was it for your suggestions (apart from the winner)... but what else did my hard-drive cough up?
 
Frank Black - Discotheque 36

Mark Kozelek & Jimmy Lavell - 1936

Boo Radleys - The History of Creation Parts 17 & 36 (Less a song, more a load of old nonsense to fill up the CD.)

Placebo - 36 Degrees (That would have taken the bronze medal this week from me.)

However, Lynchie, Charity Chic and Rigid Digit all agreed on this week's winning tune. Not that this is a democracy - your votes really don't count. Not unless I agree with them. (Insert your own comment about the current establishment here.) Luckily, I did agree... Jesus Of Cool is a great album!



Next week - the minimum age requirement to stand for election as President of the United States of America. Age requirement, not IQ. Any ideas for 35?

Hot 100 #47

My big plan of hosting installment #47 of this countdown on the date of my 47th birthday fell apart somewhat due to last week's lurgy... that'll teach me to try and make this blog appear organised. Oh well, I'm just about back in the land of the living today, so let's climb back on the horse.

Thanks for all the get well / birthday wishes in the meantime.

The logo at the top of the page comes from Indonesia metal Band AK47. It seemed an appropriate place to start since a couple of you suggested machine-gun related tunes, starting with Jim in Dubai who offered this interesting take on an old Buffalo Springfield number...

Oui 3 - For What It's Worth

Hold Your Fire Put Down Your Weapon, 

You'll Never Get to Heaven With An AK-47

C also dug out a couple of cool tunes referencing Rambo's favourite weapon, to wit...

Manic Street Preachers - Kevin Carter

Hi Time magazine, Hi Pulitzer Prize
Tribal scars in Technicolor
Bang bang, club AK 47 hour

Thievery Corporation - 33 Degree

Lethal make me lethal, I'm a weapon
Danger make me danger AK-47

Finally on the machine gun front, Martin offered this - always get extra points for a bit of Thea...

Thea Gilmore - Apparition No 12

And I caught the glimmer in a hurricanes eye I've seen these AK-47's with their noses to the sky  

Before all the bullets started flying, Lynchie was actually first in last time with this suggestion...

Bo Diddley - Who Do You Love? has to be a contender:

I walk 47 miles of barbed wire
I use a cobra-snake for a necktie
I got a brand new house on the roadside
Made from rattlesnake hide
I got a brand new chimney made on top
Made out of a human skull
Now come on take a walk with me, arlene
And tell me, who do you love?

Phew - you'd almost be better off taking your chances with a machine gun. Rigid Digit also suggested versions of this song by George Thorogood, Quicksilver Messenger Service, The Band and Jesus & Mary Chain. You can google those yourself though.

The Swede, bereft of Dylan this week, offered this...

June Richmond - 47th Street Jive... and what a great little clip I just found for it.

Martin came up with a few more great suggestions this week too...

Ben Folds Five - One Angry Dwarf and 200 Solemn Faces

September '75 I was 47 inches high

(One of my favourites, that!)

Elton John - Island Girl

I see your teeth flash, Jamaican honey so sweet, 

Down where Lexington cross 47th Street

They Might Be Giants - Till My Head Falls Off

There were 87 Advil in the bottle now there's 30 left. 

I ate 47 so what happened to the other 10?

Kate Bush - 50 Words For Snow which, frankly, could feature here every week from now on...

Yeah, but to save me the effort, I might draw a line under that one now.

Finally, our Canadian correspondent (and fellow 47 year old), Douglas McLaren, suggested two more lyrical 47s. First this...

Nick Lowe - Born Fighter

Shoe shopping, lapping up the grooms and uppers
I don't want to have to get
Another pair of hush puppies
I keep on looking at 47-each
But one day, I'll be laughing
With the lizards on my feet

And then this, to which George remarked "there are some truly terrible songs that you could post, probably none worse than..."

Genesis - Aisle of Plenty

Discount groceries ahoy!

My own record collection threw up a few other suggestions this week, namely these...

Mark Kozelek - Metropol 47

Dwight Twilley - 47 Moons

But the one I went with in the end was this lovely Guy Clark song, also covered by Johnny Cash on the album Look At Them Beans, which surely deserves a cover shot here...

Time was I had a rule about not posting songs with years in them, but surely we've all forgotten that rule by now?


Some of you might expect Toots & The Maytals to make a return appearance next week, but I'm afraid I can't let the same song win two different numbers. Fortunately I have another strong contender for 46 in mind... you might have others. Feel free to throw them my way.

Monday's Long Song: This Is My First Day And I'm Indian And I Work At A Gas Station

I could basically put a Mark Kozelek song here every Monday until the end of the year and it would fit the bill... he's not known for his brevity, certainly not in recent years.

It's been a weekend and I haven't the energy to write much more than you'll either love this (maybe 5% of you) or hate it (everybody else). And Mark Kozelek knows that too...

My Top Ten Museum Songs

The National Centre for Popular Music, Sheffield's own pop museum, opened in late 1999... and closed a little over a year later. Maybe we're not as obsessed with pop music in this country as we think we are... or maybe the ticket prices were a bit too high.

The very fancy building, complete with rotating "drums" on the roof... is now the Student's Union for Sheffield Hallam University. And the drums don't rotate any more. Who says pop is dead?

Anyway, here are ten songs that surely should be museum pieces...

10. Ted Mizzy - The Addams Family

Their house is a museum
Where people come to see 'em
They really are a screa-um
The Addams Family.

9. Graham Parker - Museum of Stupidity

Graham has some very interesting ideas about what exhibits he would have in his Museum of Stupidity. Including...

You're bound to find there every advert on American TV
And every page of the British gutter press

See also They Might Be Giants - Museum of Idiots.

8. Robyn Hitchcock - Museum of Sex

Seaford, apparently. I'll have a ticket for one, please.

(I should probably have saved this one for the United Kingdom of Song.)

7. Half Man Half Biscuit - Emergency Locksmith

Stranded there
I dreamed a dream
Where I hold the key to the key museum, where
Opportunity knocks but I fail to progress
‘Cos I’m wasted with passions
I don’t have the courage to express

Yeah. We know that feeling.

6. ZZ Top - Got Me Under Pressure

She likes the art museum, she don't like Pavlov's dog
She fun at the mind museum, she likes it in a London fog

She don't like other women, she likes whips and chains
She likes cocaine and filppin' out with great Danes

I bet she has an exhibit in Seaford.

5. Mark Kozelek - The Mark Kozelek Museum

In which Mark imagines his fame to be great enough to deserve a museum of his own. And what will you put in your museum, Mark?

That's me on guitar, Steve Howe-style
I'm in the seventh grade, listening to The Yes Album
I love you, Steve Howe, you inspired me
Like how hopefully I'll inspire others
I got a Gibson ES-175 Sunburst just like yours, down to the very year
Actually that's not true, it's a '66, I wish it was a '64
One day, I hope it will be hanging in the Mark Kozelek Museum
And maybe that crystal that I took from Jim Morrisson's chandelier
Maybe postcards sent to my father from around the globe
I just gotta find a spot near my home
Or my other homes far away from home
Maybe Sweden, cause I believe I lived there in another life
Maybe further up northern California
Because my happiest memories were fishing up the coast
Maybe my birthplace, Massillon, Ohio, because that's where it all began
I don't know, but my guess is right here in San Francisco
If my legacy can afford it

4. Morrissey - Arthounds

Will you see Morrissey in European hushed museums? Will he be rhyming table with "aunt Mabel"? Anything is possible - his life is opera.

3. Art Brut - Demons Out

I wanted rock 'n roll, I got a science museum
So we stayed up, and we argued all night
If we can't change the world
Let's at least get the charts right
The record buying public shouldn't be voting

Art Brut vs. Satan... but Eddie's spirited defence of pop music probably belongs in a museum too these days.

2. Frank Sinatra - A Foggy Day

The British museum, it lost its charm...

Sinatra singing Gershwin, on the other hand, will never lose its charm.

1. Tiny Ruins - Me At The Museum, You At The Winter Gardens

You could almost believe this song had been written about Sheffield's ill-fated pop music museum, since the city's Winter Gardens are just a short walk away. Unfortunately, they weren't opened until three years after the museum closed down. Which would put a strain on any crosstown relationship.

Also, Tiny Ruins are from New Zealand, so they're probably singing about a completely different museum / winter gardens combo.

Lovely song though!



Any museum pieces in your collection?

My Top Ten 2018 Songs That Wouldn't Fit Into Any of the Other 2018 Top Tens I Did

A final ten songs which wouldn't fit / I didn't have room for in either My Top Ten Country / Americana Songs, My Top Ten Scottish Songs, My Top Ten Trump Songs or My Top Ten Indie/Alt Guitar Songs from 2018...


10. Jonathan Wilson - There's A Light

Laurel Canyon producer who's worked with Conor Oberst, Father John Misty, Bonnie 'Prince' Billie, Roy Harper, Dawes and Glen Campbell... among others... also makes a decent racket on his own.

9. The Hold Steady - Eureka

The Hold Steady got back together at the end of last year but have been pretty slow in releasing new material. Still, I'm a huge fan and every track is to be treasured. Hoping for much more in 2019.

8. Charlie Dore - A Dog Out Looking For His Day

Remember when Sting did that song from the perspective of a dog? No? Consider yourself lucky.

Anyway, here's the concept done right by the lady who brought us Pilot of the Airwaves way back in the 70s. Yep, she's still going strong.

7. David Byrne - A Dog's Mind

And here's another dog song, from David Byrne's best record in a while. Wish I'd got to catch him live.

6. Mark Kozelek - My Love For You Is Undying

Mark Kozelek probably released another twenty albums this year that I haven't yet heard... he's probably released another one while I was typing this sentence... but his eponymous solo album produced more glorious autobiographical ramblings that you'll either dig or want to bury. The word "art" is much misused in the contemporary music industry, but I would argue that Kozelek is the closest thing we have to a true artist working in the field today, putting himself 100% into his music, warts and all, and making a truly individual noise that will touch and speak to only a tiny minority... I consider myself fortunate to "get him" where millions won't.

5. Luke Haines - Subbuteo Lads

And then we have Britain's answer to Mark Kozelek, another "artist" whose work becomes more eccentric and individual with every release. His latest album, I Sometimes Dream Of Glue, is a collection of songs about Airfix, Hornby, sex and Subbuteo that ploughs deeper into the unique 70s/80s nostalgia groove that has become his stock-in-trade. Although Subbuteo Lads isn't the best song musically on the album, it does have the best opening line.

4. Tom Odell ft. Alice Merton - Half As Good As You

From two artists who've swam about as far from the mainstream as it's possible to get... I give you the best pure pop song of the year, from an artist following very well in the footsteps of Elton John & Billy Joel (he's even supported Billy and covered Piano Man for Children In Need). This particular track starts out as a straightforward piano duet then morphs into and 80s power ballad - wait till the drums hammer in around the 2 minute mark and we're suddenly into Diana Ross / Lionel Ritchie or Roberta Flack / Peabo Bryson territory.

My Top Ten: proud to have been irking the musos since 21012.

3. Bruce Springsteen - Growin' Up (Live On Broadway)

I only got the album for Christmas and haven't watched the Netflix performance yet... but if this is anything to go by, I'll have a lot more to say about this record soon.

2. The Fugitives - No Words

A tribute to Leonard Cohen from his fellow Canadians. Powerful stuff.

1. Okkervil River - Famous Tracheotomies

Will Sheff's parents tried for a long time to have a child, with miscarriages and more making it a very traumatic time for them. After Will was finally born, he became very ill as a young boy. The operation that saved his life involved fitting him with a tracheotomy tube which he then had for a long period throughout his childhood.

This song is about Sheff's gratitude for that little tube that allowed him to still be here today... and many other famous names whose lives have been saved by tracheotomies, including Dylan Thomas, Mary Wells, Gary Coleman (Arnold from Diff'rent Strokes) and Ray Davies, who wrote Waterloo Sunset in memory of the time he himself had been recovering from such an operation.

Seasonal Snapshots II - The Answers

When you first took my hand on a cold Christmas Eve, you promised me the answers to Saturday Snapshots... well, here they are.

Congratulations to Reading's Rigid Digit who took the star on the top of the tree this year. Sterling effort from Chris, the runner up, from Denmark. Thanks also to Brian from the U.S. and Deano from Australia for coming along and solving the ones nobody else could - truly an international effort! Cheers and happy Christmas to all the other regulars. Thanks for playing.

To help you enjoy the festivities, here's 25 tunes to play on Christmas morning and get you in the mood... handily compiled into a playlist should you wish to listen to them all while you're basting your turkeys...


25. Richard Tea? Dai Jestive? Gary Baldy? Don't be so trite!

Rich Tea. Di-Gestive. GariBaldy. All half men, half biscuits.

Half Man Half Biscuit - It's Cliched To Be Cynical At Christmas

24. Follow this to Bethlehem to find the answer.

Big Star - Jesus Christ

23. Sweet rejoicing in mature meadow.

A mature meadow would be an old field.

Sweet rejoicing in Latin would be...

Mike Oldfield - In Dulci Jubilo

22. Holding up knickers with A Greater Doxology.

Knickers are held up by elastic. Elastic with A makes...

The Greater Doxology is another name for Gloria in excelsis Deo...

Elastica - Gloria

21. Spousal present dilemma solved by wet bloke and old king.

Wet bloke = Waterman

Old King Cole

George Cole & Dennis Waterman (aka "Arfur" Daley & Terry McCann) - What're We Gonna Get For Christmas For 'Er Indoors?

20. Making a festive killing.

Because Slayed = killed, and because Noddy Holder makes a million quid from this song every year, apparently.

Slade - Merry Christmas Everyone

19. Shrunken Santa on the sands.

The Beach Boys - Little Saint Nick

18. Long before Mariah: I still need to give you that dollar.

Mariah sang "All I Want For Christmas Is You".

You owe me a buck.

Buck Owens - All I Want For Christmas Dear Is You

17. Jesus's crown found amid the decorations.

Jesus had a crown of thorns.

Tracy Thorn - Tinsel & Lights

16. Wan waterfalls wish you a blessed Noel.

Pale Fountains - Benoit's Christmas

("Benoit" is an archaic French word for blessed.)

15. W.S. & Arthur did not dream like Frank. O!

Gilbert O'Sullivan - I'm Not Dreaming Of A White Christmas

14. Eddie's Italian restaurant date gets spruced up in Cooper's jeans.

In Billy Joel's Scenes From An Italian Restaurant, Brenda and Eddie were going steady.

Lee Cooper.

Brenda Lee - Rockin' Around The Christmas Tree

13. Former house-painter enjoys festive peanuts.

Mark Kozelek's old band were the Red House Painters.

This song is a cover version of the famous song from the Charlie Brown Christmas Special.

Mark Kozelek - Christmas Time Is Here

12. Colorado native begs for festive tem-pa-rance.

Denver, Colorado.

John Denver - Please, Daddy, Don't Get Drunk This Christmas

11. Will his sleigh contain snowflakes or diamonds this year?

The Crystals - Santa Claus Is Coming To Town

10. Ta for an ecstatic yule.

XTC - Thanks For Christmas

9. Pine delivery for Homerski.

Red Simpson - Truckin' Trees For Christmas

8. Bald, golden harpies invite you back for an egg nog at their place.

The Eagles - Please Come Home For Christmas

7. Lazy ocean brags about bellowing at baubles.

Lazy = idle. Billy Ocean / Bragg.

Billy Idol - Yelling At The Christmas Tree

6. Queens start computer programmes like a Jack-Hammer.

Computers start with Run.

Jack Dee.

MC Hammer.

Hollis is in Queens.

Run DMC - Christmas In Hollis

5. No little stars twinkling tonight... just a neverending clanging.

The Darkness - Christmas Time (Don't Let The Bells End)

4. Of all the gin joints, in all the towns, in all the world, he walks into mine... but he's a few days early.

Quote from Casablanca, obviously.

Julian Casablancas - I Wish It Was Christmas Today (oh, now it is!)

3. Refusing #8's offer, with eyes closed 26 x 7.

The Eagles sang "Please Come Home For Christmas" at #8.

This is Blink 182's reply...

Blink 182 - I Won't Be Home For Christmas

2. That's a long way to go for a phoney (even a great one).

The Pretenders weren't phoneys, but they were Great Pretenders.

The Pretenders - 2000 Miles

1. Huey's future hit stolen by Sinatra movie.

Huey Lewis's hit from Back To The Future was The Power of Love.

I'll protect you from the Hooded Claw...

Happy Christmas. Thanks for being there this year. It's appreciated.

My Top Ten Albums of 2017 #5

Three albums for the price of one today, from the most prolific man in music... Mark Kozelek.

5. Sun Kil Moon - Common as Light and Love Are Red Valleys of Blood

More neurotic, sarcastic, confrontational - yet weirdly touching - stream-of-consciousness ramblings via synths, guitar, beats* and jazz**.

(*Particularly on the second album; **particularly on the third.)

5. Jesu & Sun Kil Moon - 30 Seconds to the Decline of Planet Earth

Diary / travelogue / rap / stand-up / confessional or bizarre fringe podcast? The garrulous barfly you don't mind listening to.

5. Mark Kozelek with Ben Boye & Jim White

Breaking boundaries and forcing the question: "Is this music?" It's an acquired taste that soon becomes addictive.***

(***For me, at least. Your mileage may vary.)

More here. And here.



Next: nobody likes him, everybody hates him, but he's never going to eat worms.

My Top 90 Mid-Life Crisis Songs #5: Twenty-Something

This is Johnny Saint-Lethal.

Johnny is the lead singer of a little-known American guitar band called The Show. He's also written a novel, called Twenty-Something.

Perhaps his biggest claim to fame thus far, however, is the fact that he's now the subject of a song by Mark Kozelek on the latest Sun Kil Moon / Jesu collaboration, 30 Seconds To The Decline of Planet Earth. The song tells how Saint-Lethal approached Kozelek during a show and gave him a copy of his novel. Ah, the foolhardiness of youth, thinking a grumpy old middle-aged git like Kozelek is going to dig your 20-something musings with anything but jealousy and spite.

But your life is just beginning and you're just finding your feet in this world. 
And your schtick's limited to impressing 19-year old girls from Williamsburg. 
The sweet spot for men lasts from about 27-to-33, 
And trust me, the magic dust starts fading when you're approaching 40. 
Right now, the girls tell you they got a boyfriend at the end of the night, right? 
Well, in your late-40s they tell you that information right up front, whether it's true or not...

To be fair though, Kozelek also has a little fatherly advice to impart to the young whipper-snapper...

When I was about your age, Johnny, 
I believed in many things, but mostly I believed in me. 
Then the bullets started coming, that's when you find out how tough you really be. 
I've seen artists grow stronger and I've seen artists wilt in the heat. 
I've seen artists strive like big Magnolia trees in sun, die off like weeds. 
There are curveballs in life, Johnny. Some are hell, some are mindblowingly beautiful.

And then he gets his audience to sing Johnny a tribute , wishing him well with his future.

I remember being twenty-something. I thought I was so grown up. But I wasn't. Sometimes I feel less grown up in my mid-40s, despite all the trappings of adulthood. I remember I used to make fun of the 40-somethings I worked with: all their woes, responsibilities and early nights. But in the ame breath, I didn't appreciate what I had at all. It's like Joni sang: you don't know what you've got till it's gone.

I'm trying to live in the moment now, enjoy every sandwich, because I know in another 20 years I'll look back and wish I was 45 again. But it's hard. It really is.